Am not sure how I feel about leaving my sappy anniversary entry up over the weekend, and as my mother is coming to visit in mere hours, won't have time to update until Sunday night. So am trying to be FUNNY and INTERESTING, but am instead having trouble ignoring the feeling that the inseam on my pants is way too short.
Um, should not write about my inseam on the internet, because that is not funny or interesting or even appropriate. So never mind.
Instead, let me offer...
Why do I feel so guilty using the handicapped stall in the restroom at work? There are no handicapped people who work here, no one is even on crutches. So why don't I use it? Is big! And in the corner! Room to, er...stretch?
Hate winter. HAaAAETE WINNNTEEER. Thought it was magical and lovely back in December, but now want to be warm. Feel like slug who only sits on arse and watches television after work. If warm, would most definitely NOT watch three hours of Project Runway in a row, would probably be out jogging or picking up dry cleaning or cocktailing or volunteering. Probably. Definitely would be volunteering. Keep meaning to look into that...
Also! Need to call someone to have ugly old couch taken out of apartment. But couch will need to be taken apart to fit through eensie and awkward NYC doorways, so am not sure who to call. New couch barely fit, and is much smaller. Old couch mocks me, is huge and smells of dog, a little. But new couch has not gorwn on me yet. New couch seemed so sleek and lovely in store, seemed tidy and modern, like a little Kate Spade clutch. But now looks plain and small. Is not good for napping. Also needs stylish and squishy accent pillows, most likely. Am pretty sure it needs Maharam ones, which cost as much as my college tuition. But, college tuition only got me college degree, which frankly, don't seem to need so much after all. So pfffw to tuition, I want pretty pillows!
But also need new bed. Current bed is wee, and husband and self are not. And we are indulgent faux-parents who let dog sleep in bed with us. Under the covers. In the middle. Wee bed is crowded, too crowded for us and spoiled, rotten dog. But all the beds I like are 7 million dollars, and so is the designed-by-NASA mattress I NEED. (Neck and back hurt! All the time!) So now need pillows, new bed, new mattress...and couch removal service? How much will all cost? Because VACATION would be nice!
Vacation would be so nice! Could probably fly on frequent flier miles, except that miles are all with Delta. So could take 5.75 vacations to Cincinnati or Atlanta. Do not want to take vacation to Ohio. Want to go to Tuscany and eat and wear sundresses and become earthy sex-goddess type like Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun. Will eat fruit right off trees and have earthy, Italian sex and drink wine and eat cheese and wear scarves. So can have either new bed or Italian vacation...
Hmmm. Would like to take next hour to shop for beds on internet and then also to look at villas in Tuscany available for vacation rentals. But have meeting in 2 hours, and buckets of work to do before meeting. But new bed! And Tuscan villa! Want to look at both! And want to play email with interesting friends and possibly also gossip about certain person who I cannot mention because what if she reads this site? Am pretty sure doesn't, because is not about her, but still!! Would be awful! But nonetheless, isn't Person being rididiculous in all of the expectations she is putting on Other People? Person is crazy! Sucks! Needs to be stopped!
Oh crap. Did not clean bathroom last night. Crap crap crap. Pun not intended. Have about 2 hours before mother arrives tonight, will need to scrub shower. HATE scrubbing shower...makes my hands so dry! Even with gloves! But will have to do it. Stupid mother coming for stupid visit. Was just here! Really, was JUST HERE. Or, seems like it.
Spelling ability seems to be on decline. Cannot be good. Can deal with loss of knowledge about calculus and chemistry, but seems like spelling should not deteriorate. Nor grammar. Or grammar? Hmmm.
Ooh! Oscars are on Sunday! Lovely, lovely Oscars, which are both boring and riveting at the same time! Will most definitely need new squishy pillows before then, because cannot watch 84 hours of awards show without something squishy to hold in lap! Own lap with belly fat does not count! Want to cover the belly fat with squishy pillow as Hillary Swank appears on television, because Hillary Swank gained 19 pounds of muscle for Million Dollar Baby and I cannot do 10 pushups. Hillary Swank has no belly fat. Probably has nice couch with lovely pillows, though. Probably makes Chad Lowe got shopping for them with her. Chad Lowe probably LIKES shopping for squishy couch pillows. Always liked Chad Lowe, back when Becca loved him on Life Goes On. Whatever happened to Kellie Martin?
Something else I wonder about: backfat. Why, backfat, why? I am not a fat person. Am not someone you would look at and say, Oooh, she is so thin. Do not have a hot body or great ass or anything flashy like that. But am thin-ish, with perfectly servicable bits (am like a Volkswagon Passat. Will get you where you need to go and look cute doing it, will not stop traffic or get speeding tickets. Am efficient and kind of look European, but really come from Mexico. Er, California. Whatever. Hate metaphor.) So WHY BACKFAT WHY? No matter the bra, there is still some visible EVIDENCE in the backfat area. HATE THE BACKFAT. Cannot wear clingy tops because even though belly may be flat, turn around and OPPS, HAVE SOME BACKFAT.
Am better at sappy entries. Am not funny. Am taking lack of pronouns and conjunctions to ridiculous level. Not sure that 'conjunction' is really right term. [See above re: deteriorating grammar skills]. What are words like "the" called?
Please, no more winter. Am bored of hateful cold. Hateful. Bored. The end.