When the days are long and the work is slow, there are many games that co-workers play to fill the time. I personally am a fan of What Would You Name Your Baby?, Who Would You Invite To Your Fantasy Dinner Party?, and Who Do Your Really, Really Hate (and Why)? The other day, however, my staff and I played a new one – a game with which I am familiar, but usually play only in my head. It’s called Who Would Play You In A Movie? (Bonus rounds include Who Would Play An OLDER You?, Who Would Play You In Various Period Movies?, and Who Do You Wish Would Play You?)
When it was my turn, everyone (which is basically five awesome girls) quickly and unanimously said (are you ready for this?)…Liv Tyler.
I love Liv Tyler and I think she is stunning. Luminescent, even. Ethereal and feminine, and the one time I saw her in real life, walking down Sixth Avenue, she literally took my breath away with her lovliness. (Really, she did. I was rushing out for lunch – probably a fatty-fat piece of pizza with extra fat as a topping and some greasy fat on the side – and she was walking down the street in jeans and a denim jacket and a lilac scarf with her hair in a bun on top of her head, and she was so, so pretty. So pretty. Prettier than on screen, where her features are almost overwhelming and her horrid, horrid acting detracts from her prettiness.) But there is nothing…nothing about me which is Liv Tyler-esque, save for height and hair color. I am not ethereal. I am not luminescent. I may be a cute girl, but I trip and bang into walls and say stupid things and can’t get my hair straight and my voice is more squeaky than breathy. So I was surprised to hear that I would be played by the Elf Queen (or Elf Princess or Elf Fairy or whatever she was), because I really see myself much more as a Bridget type with Parker Posey tendencies and maybe a little indie-girl (Maggie Gyllenhall, perhaps?) thrown in to balance the neurotic and the manic. If we’re talking movie characters, on bad days I see the worst of myself in Diane Keaton’s character in “Manhattan,” and on good days I try on Diane Court and Sally Albright for size. But it’s interesting to see how others see you. Take it from me, the Elf Queen.
So let’s play the game. I may be the Elf Queen, but I work with Helena Bonham Carter, Kirsten Dunst, Sally Field, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Monica Bellucci.
I think I am married to Robert Downey Jr., or maybe Kevin Spacey, before he got really weird. Although, I take that back because Kent just asked me what I was doing, and when I told him I was writing a potential entry about who would play who, he said he’d be “…a fat Kevin Spacey,” which is total bunk because Kent is skinny and honestly, I’m pretty meh over Kevin Spacey, whereas I find Robert Downey Jr. YUMMY, drugs and all, so yup, Kent is RDJ. Kent also just said that Tuesday – you know, our DOG, would be played by Christina Ricci, so clearly I should be take anything he says with a grain of salt.
My mom is Susan Sarandon. Or Allison Janney. Julianne Moore, maybe, although I know with any of these people the age thing gets all mucked up (my mom is 54, for the record). But she is an intense redhead, without a doubt – Patricia Clarkson, perhaps. My dad…I’m not sure who would play him, actually. He’s not British, but Michael Caine comes to mind, even though that’s not right, not if you know him. When I was a kid, my brother’s friend Brian thought my dad looked like the dad on Alf. I never saw the resemblance, but maybe my dad would be played by the guy who was the dad on Alf. Good for the guy who played the dad on Alf, getting some work again! My brother M is the sunny golden boy, so he’d be played by an all-American guy, someone kind-looking, like Chris O’Donnell. Or the guy on Everwood who is not the main guy but is the brother of the main girl – the blonde one? That is totally M. J, my middle brother, is the artistic, brooding sibling – kind of a Zach Braff? (Let me take this opportunity to saw Welcome, Googlers of Zach Braff and other celebrities! Welcome to the TOTALLY WRONG WEBSITE! Thanks for stopping by, we’ve got no boobs or gossip or anything having to do with Zach Braff at all, but it’s been nice having you!) My youngest brother, N, kind of looks like Hayden Christenson – he of the crappy new Star Wars movies and last year’s “Shattered Glass.” – so that is one possibility, although Orlando Bloom is another. Becaue yes, N is the pretty one. Bastard.
My friend Pastry is Heather Graham, or perhaps Rory on Gilmore Girls – someone sweet-looking and pretty and wide-eyed with a killer body. Sassy, petite BritGirl is Emily Mortimer. Or Marisa Tomei, if playing in the U.S. Beck is Jennifer Garner, because she is pretty and has good hair and runs all the damn time. And my friend Em is so, so Reese Witherspoon, right down to the Type A personality Reese reportedly has and the bright, warm smile.
And I’m Liv Tyler. Who apparently has gotten fat. (Huge, like a size EIGHT or something.)
As an aside, the idea for this entry seemed really, really cool earlier today, but I am now realizing that I have no where to go with it. It is a fun game to play, but there is no end. And now I am just typing. Typing, typing, typing. With nothing left to say, except that another fun game is Planning The Soundtrack To The Movie Of My Life, Starring The Celebrity Previously Chosen In The Last Game Molly Made Us Play, so be thankful we are not there yet. But regardless, I am left with nowhere to go in this entry. I thought for a while about elaborating on the “how we see ourselves compared to how others see us” angle, but phhffffffttttt...who cares. Then I thought I’d extend the game to discuss my journaling friends, but Gah, the links, so much work. So now I am stuck. With no good ideas. And any readers who came here for Zach Braff but kept reading are now surely changing their minds and heading to his Garden State blog.
Oooh!!! Wait…wait, WAIT!!! I just thought of a NEW GAME!!! It will be an INTERACTIVE GAME!!! Because YOU, my readers, will write to ME, and tell me a) if I really am Liv Tyler and b) who you are. Bonus points for putting the actor into a specific context, e.g., Kate Winslet in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” etc. Oh! And if I am not Liv Tyler you can tell me who I am, as long as it is not someone ugly or annoying or Helen Hunt, who I just don’t like. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN, because I already have some characters in mind for my journaling friends (Emilie, Mandy, Chiara, Pineapple, N. Hannah, Maxwell – I am looking at you). So WRITE TO ME and tell me about yourself and what movie or TV character you identify with and who you think I might be and then I CAN MAKE A PRETEND MOVIE CAST with all of us in it and it will be awesome and it will coincide perfectly with the cold, cold weather that makes me want to stay inside and play on the computer, all the time, every day.
And!! And then I will make a SOUNDTRACK for us, and I will post the song lists, and it will be AWESOME, and this will totally work because those of you who read my site are AWESOME, but there are not a thousand of you, so my email box will not be overwhelmed, no will my Elf-Queen mind, and I will be able to write an entry about ALL OF US, and I give you my solemn promise here, it will be clever.
It may not be spell-checked, but it will be clever. VERY CLEVER!! So write to me! Play my game! Or I will get my skanky Aerosmith dad to send his minions after you, because you KNOW he made a pact with the devil, right?