Us: Woo! Vacation at Home! Woo! Weíre so smart and cool and interesting! Weíll eat out every night and go shopping and to museums.
Museums: But, we thought you hated us. Or at least, that you only pretended to like us so as to appear Interesting and Cultured.
Us: Oh yeah. But we still want to appear Interesting and Cultured, so WOO for museums. But first, letís eat.
Jackass Waiter: Um, you just mispronounced that obscure word on the menu and I want the whole restaurant to know.
Jackass Waiter: Also, I am better than you, because look at my skinny ass and lank hair. So stylish, so cool, so Gucci. Now give me a big tip.
Me: I hate you.
Kent: I think The Strokes just walked by.
Me: Tomorrow, we really need to start doing stuff. For the Vacation at Home, you know.
Kent: ButÖwe donít do stuff. We talk about doing stuff, but we donít actually do it. Never.
Me: This time is different! This time weíll go to The Cloisters and The Met and the park and for long walks and maybe rent bikesÖ
Jackass Waiter: EXCUSE ME, but maybe you havenít noticed that I am STILL FABULOUS. Really, really fabulous. More fabulous that you will ever be, even if you were elected the President Of Fabulousness. Me! MEmememememeMEEEEEEEE!!!
Us: Weíre fabulous too, right?
Jackass Waiter: ME!!!!!!!!!!! ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The next dayÖ
Kent: How about, instead of going to the museums and crap, letís have a Jersey Mall Day!
Me: Jersey wha?
Us, an hour later: Woo! To a mall!! We love malls! We hate all our furniture and will buy new things from the mall! So civilized, so all-inclusive!
Holland Tunnel: Not so fast bitches.
Us: ButÖitís Tuesday. Why is there traffic on Tuesday?
The New Jersey Turnpike: You gotta problem wití me? Because FUCK YOU Brooklyn fucks. Youíre in Jersey now, and I want your asses to sit in traffic, so youíre GONNA SIT IN TRAFFIC.
Us: Newark is nice.
NJ Turnpike: I heard that. And I just closed two lanes on the right. Donít mess.
Us: WHERE IN FUCKING HELL IS THE FUCKING MALL?
The Mall: Right here! Iím here, and Iím shiny and I have every store, ever!
Us: Why are there no parking spots, on a Tuesday?
All the New Jersey housewives: We like to spend money and wear tight pants! Every day, every day!! Look at our long nails and Lexuses. Woo Fendi!
Us: Let's try Crate and Barrel.
Crate and Barrel: Ha ha HA!!! Weíre the cheapest store in the mall and we still cost a lot! Also, everything looks crap in person. And you have to assemble it yourselves! Ha ha haaaa!!!!
Kent: Whereís the Hold Everything?
Rich teenagers: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Credit cards!!!!!!!!!!!!! Juicy baby-doll tops ROCK and we are so skinny and rich and tan!!!!! And slutty!!!! Woo, slutty!!!!! Credit cards ROCK!!!! Poor people are FUNNY!!!!
My period: Have some cramps and heavy bleeding now that you're in a mall surrounded by rich teenagers! Wee!!
Us: Must leave. Let's try Ikea.
NJ Turnpike: Not so fast bitches. Remember me? Well, I'm gonna make sure you get in the wrong lane and miss the exit and end up headed straight to HELL.
Giant Semi Trucks: We'll help! **CRASH*OVERTURN*BOOM*TRAFFIC**!!!! You're stuck here now!! For two hours! On the HIGHWAY!!!
Me: I have cramps and I want to go home and this is all your fault.
Kent: (ignoring me)
Me: I said, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!
State of New Jersey: HAHAAAAAHHAAAAA!!!
New Jersey housewives: Ha hA hAAA!!! We're home already, watching Oprah!!! Time for Pilates!
Us: We hate New Jersey. We HATE the mall. This vacation sucks. We wanna go to Mexico.
And that was just Monday and Tuesday! We have had some better timesÖall our dinners have been amazing, and yesterday we had a fun lunch at Pastis. We had a fun lunch during which I realized I need a completely new wardrobe, a heavy dose of attitude, and some great sunglasses. But YUM and YAY for lunching out, and a big WOOHOO for cocktails before 1pm. After lunch we went to the Whitney, which is a museum I sincerely love (as opposed to pretend to love, like certain European behemoths which shall go unnamed). Then I got restless and cranky and Kent and I argued a bit and I wanted to buy a million pairs of shoes on Madison Avenue, and felt bad because a) I canít afford them and b) kids starving in Africa, blah blah blah.
I am not good with the time off. Itís bizarre, because I crave it when I am working, but as soon as I am on vacation, I get exponentially more anxious as the days go on. Our honeymoon was an exercise in futility, as Kent tried to get me to relax and I spun myself farther and farther out of the relaxation zone. We left Hawaii EARLY, in fact. Possibly the only people to have done so, ever, since the beginning of Time and the Four Seasons. I try and pretend itís charming, how high strung and easily bored I am. Kent assured me otherwise, but keeps me around nonetheless.
Kent starts business school next week. His summer of free time is over, and if I were him, Iíd either have gained 30 pounds or jumped in front of a bus by now. After 5 days off, I understand why he has been alternately bored and cranky all summer. Itís HARD to relax! Especially when there is NOTHING good on TV, ever.
So heís heading to Ohio for the weekend and Iím going to JournalCon in DC (source of my most recent anxiety). Then I suppose we get back to real life. Hmph.