A Tuesday Morning [ 2004-05-04, 11:48 a.m. ]

Wake up! Wakeupwakeupwake UP!! It�s time to get up!! I want to chew chew chew and stretch stretch streatch. Get up and let�s ROMP and play and I wanna get on your bed and bite your quilt. Yumyumyum, I like to eat your pillow too. Now will you get up? Lick lick lick. Lick. Licklicklicklicklick. Get up. How about now, if I step all over you, again and again like I�m a billy goat. Billy goat, billy goat, stepstepsteppystepstep. Get out of bed Lady. Or, let me under the covers with you. Yeah, yeah! That�s even better! I wanna snuggle by your legs. Mmmm. Toes. I love toes. Now it�s time to get UP. UP UP UP! Here, let me show you my Kong. If I show you my Kong, then you will understand how EXCITED I am about getting up. See it? See my Kong? Wait�? No, don�t take my Kong. My Ko- what? You threw it? Now I have to go get it. Oh, but what�s this? Garbage!! I found some garbage on the way to get my Kong! I�m so happy!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle* this is the greatest day ever! Finally, you�re up! *jump jump JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMP* it�s so great to be up!! Now I wanna go OUT!! OUToutoutout! And I want treats! Lots of treaaatss! Oh, no�nonono�I�m gonna run away from you because you�re holding that collar and leash thing and you KNOW I hate it. I hate it. It makes me slow and it pulls my neck and I want to run and run and RUN AND RUNRUNRUN!! Okay, let�s go OUT! Outoutout. Yay! Now that we�re out I wanna sniff and sniff and sniff. Sniffsniffsniff. Now gimme a treat. Oh, it�s windy. I don�t like the wind. It blows things around that scare me and make me BARK and GROWL and it blows in my ears and makes them stand up and I hate it. I hate you wind! I�m gonna bark at you! Just because! BarkbarkBARK! Now I need to pee. Why do I have to do it in the street? I hate this. I wanna pee and poop at home, on the rug, right near my bed. It�s so much BETTER there. Oh well. Now let�s RUN! I wanna RUN! But I can�t because of this collar and leash. Hate hate hate the collar and leash. Look how sad I am that I can�t RUN. I�m such a good dog. I�m nice and pretty. Look how pretty I am! I�m so good. I�m the greatest dog in the world. I�m good�wait. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. Do I hear a DOG across the street? Is it? I think�yes, it IS A DOG. And I want to GET IT!!! Hey dog�DOG!! Over here!! Yeah, YOU � look at me. LOOK AT ME!! BARKBARKBARK GrrrrrrrrrrrrrGROWL BARK SNARL GRRRRRRRRRRR�Hey dog! Fuck you, Other Dog Across The Street!!! Yeah, you heard me � FUCK YOU!!! I�m so TOUGH!! I wanna BITE and EAT and BITE you so much! Fucking fuck fuckity fuck fuck BARK BARK BARK GROWL. You SUCK, Other Dog. I�M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!!! I HATE YOU AND YOUR OWNER AND I THINK YOU�RE STUPID AND FUCCCCKKKK YOOUUUUU!!!!!! Okay, I�m done barking now. Now I�m ready to whimper and whine. Wimper wimper whinewhinewhine. What? What? What�d I do? Why are you looking at me that way? Was I bad? But I�m cute now. Oh, okay�I guess we�re going home now. I hate home. It�s boring. I want to go to the dog park and chase and run and chase and run. RUN RUN RUN. Home sucks. You suck. I hate this day. Look how sad I am. And cute! Look how CUTE I am. I�m � oh, now hold up, HOLD UP LADY. Do you see what I see? Right up there? It�s a PIGEON. I HATE pigeons!!! I hate you pigeon�but I wanna GET you. I wanna POUNCE on you and GET you and hurt you. But to get you I have to be very, very, still. Shhhhh, Lady�I�m stalking the pigeon. Shhh�everyone, BE QUIET. Crouch�now I�m gonna crouch and walk slllloooowwwwwwllllly towards the pigeon. Lady�LADY! We have to get the pigeon�come with me! Quiet�quiet�aaaannnnndddd�POUNCE Get that pigeon. GET IT!! We�re almost there!!! Ha! HAHAHAHAAAA!!! I�ve got�no. NO!!!!!!!!! Fucking pigeon!!! Fucking pigeon with fucking wings!!! DAMN YOUUUUUU!!!!!!! Damn you and your goddam wings. I still wanna get you. So I will jump. JUMP JUMP JUUUMMMPPP!!!!!! Because I wanna get you SO BAD!!!!! No. No�I can�t get you. Not today. Sad. Now I am sad. And hungry. I want some breakfast, Lady!! Let�s go home so I can have some breakfast. And cheese!!! I want cheese!! Give me cheese!!! Home. HOMEHOMEHOME. We�re almost there. Oh, wait�what�s that smell � let me check it out. Mmmm�stinky. Okay, let�s go HOMEHOMEHOME for the FOOD! This is our house, right? This one? No? Next one? Yes! YESS!!!! This is ours! This is where I live!!! ME! I live here!!! I have a house!! I�m so happy I want to jumpJUMPJUMP on the door!! Let me in to my HOUSE!!! Run!! I want to run in FAST, so fastfastfast. But HEY! I�m still on my leash. Motherfucker. Take it off. TAKE IT OFF!!!!!! NOW!!!!!! Okay, finally, I can RUN in SUPERFAST and JUMP onto the couch and JUMP off and race in circles fastfastfast!!! SO FAST! I�m the greatest dog EVER!! The greatest dog that ever lived in the history of dogs, ever ever ever!! And the fastest!!! Whew�that was a lot of circles. Now I want food. FOOD!!! And a Greenie to chew on. NOW!! I want it NOW!!!!! You�re too slow, Lady. TOO SLOW!! I don�t care if my water is dirty, I want the GODDAM FOOD NOW!!!! MMMmmmmmmmmm�..scarfscarfscarf�mmmmmmm. Food. I like food. Wait�Lady? Where�d you go? Lady?? Are you in the Little Room Where I Get Hateful Baths? Scratch scratchscratch�are you in there? You are? Hmmm�Lady is in the Little Room Where I Get Those Hateful Baths. If Lady can�t see me right now�I know!!! Chew!!! Chew chew CHEWCHEW! I can chew everything!! She can�t see me! This is my chance!! I see a shoe � oh, fuck, it�s a big boot. Heavy. This boot is heavy. Must be fast. Drag drag drag it to the bed. Jump�ooof. Heavy boot. But yummy!! SO YUMMY!!! Chew chew chew on the boot!!! Now what? Gym shoes�I LOVE gym shoes!! I see a few of those. Quickly, quickly, get the shoes. Get ALL the shoes!! On the bed!! I love chewing shoes on the bed!! So happy�chewchewchew. What else? What else can I chew? Pillows!!! I FORGOT about the pllows!!! Chewing them makes me SO happy!! Chewchewchew. First I chew the quilt, then the sheets, THEN THE PILLOWS!!! And I pull out the stuffing!! Whee!!! CHEW CHEW GROWL CHEW GROWL!! I did it!! I killed the pillows!! KILLED THEM DEAD dead dead pillows are dead. HA!! Ha hahahahahaha you pillows. What next? More sheets. I like the Calvin Klein ones. Yum. Lady will be SO excited when she sees all the stuff I did while she was in the Little Room Where I Get Those Hateful Baths. I think she�s coming! She is!! Look�LOOK!!! Lady, look what I did!!! For you!!! Wagwagwag�aren�t you happy!! I did it all!! BY MYSELF!!! Wagwagwag. What? You�re not happy? But it was so MUCH FUN to chew it all. Chew chew chew is my favorite game EVER!!! It�s almost as fun as RUN and CHASE. Almost. But you�re mad? What if I lick your legs? I like the taste of your lotion. Mmmm�licklicklick. Don�t be mad. Licklicklick. Or I�ll shit on your rug. Licklicklick. Ha ha ha�no really, I will. I love to shit on the rug. I usually only do it on rainy days, but I LOVE TO SHIT ON YOUR RUG!!! I did it yesterday! Remember!! Because it was raining and I HATE the rain!! HATE IT!!! And I love shitting on the rug!! I�m so excited just thinking about it!! Excited!!! Wag wagwagwag!! Let�s play! I won�t shit if you play with me some more!! Throw the ball!! Throw it!! Again! AGAIN!!! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!! I LOVE THIS GAME!!! I LOVE IT. I will NEVER get tired of this game!! NEVER EVEREVER!! I love Throw The Ball!! AGAIN! Agai � wait. No more�okay. Okay. Now I�m tired. So tired. Must. Curl. Up. In. Tiny. Ball. Somewhere. I�m. Not. Supposed. To. Be. So tired. Tired. Getting sleepy�tired�walk walk walk around the apartment. One more bite of breakfast, then I will SLEEP on the couch and SNORE and dream about pigeons and Kongs with peanut butter inside. So tired�no more playing. Must sleep.

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