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Comments:
Tracy - 2005-04-11 00:16:38
Identifying it is everything, love. This was a brave thing you wrote, maybe the bravest thing I've ever seen online. I know that scary wobbly feeling right before clicking that "upload" button to reveal such a black and buried chunk to the universe, and I'm very proud of you.
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bluepoppy - 2005-04-11 09:24:14
wow. writing this was so brave-- I trust it was also cathartic for you-- and I feel certain, this post will help others who read it-- whether or not you ever know it--
isn't it crazy the illusions of the mind? the prison of false illusions-- here's to you BREAKING FREE!
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Wendy - 2005-04-11 10:14:12
My God, woman, you just insist on bringing me to tears on a regular basis, whether it be from soul-searching, gut-wrenching heartfelt honesty or gut-busting laughter. And I have never seen your body, and can't really call myself your friend, but you have probably shown us that have never met you face to face more of your truth than you have ever shown to those that are physically closer to you...and I can say...I would bet on it, in fact..that you are without a doubt beautiful. Which = smart, kind, funny, compassionate...all of those things and so much more. And the wisdom and serenity? They are definitely a-hovering. This is why you should be thrilled to death that you are getting over your 20s, I like to say...my 30s have truly been my happiest so far. And have been so without all the accoutrement of a so-called "successful" life. Okay, tangent...I saw that car commercial you mentioned in one of your previous posts for the first time the other night. But I have no idea what kind of car it was for. It made me think of you and Kent and I said a little prayer that you will soon find a place where you can blossom.
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Marilyn - 2005-04-11 10:51:44
Yes, we all have those demons...and yes, I agree, identifying it/them is KEY. How brave of you to face yours head on in the blogosphere. If I may, let me just report for a moment from the other side (but as a size 6, you're standing right next to me). I'm one of the skinny girls. Not because of anorexia or dieting or purging...solely because of genetics. I have to consume a vast amount of calories to keep my weight on. I didn't choose to be thin, and although many envy my slender build, it's brought a huge amount of pain and grief into my life. Because skinny girls (whether or not they have any control over being skinny) get made fun of...or at least this one does. Most people wouldn't think of walking up to someone overweight and making a rude remark about being fat, but complete strangers (and family and friends) don't hesitate to make rude comments about my bony self. So embrace your beauty, Molly. Embrace your hips and thighs and whatever else you see (in your darker moments) as 'wrong.' Because oh, how I've LONGED to be heavier. So you see, people like me envy YOUR body. :)
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Maxwell - 2005-04-11 13:18:49
Such an honest, brave entry.
Isn't it awful that I remember being young, very young, second or third grade and feeling better than girls that were heavier than me? And then I had the ugly years of puberty and I've never been thin since. For many years I wasn't thin, but I wasn't fat either. And then, recently, in the last three years or so, I became fat. Officially obese. Unhealthy. Now I exercise and try to be healthy but I realize that I will never have thighs that don't touch.
I don't have any easy answers, but you are beautiful and smart and kind and funny, Molly. (And I've never noticed the back fat you speak of.)
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Erica - 2005-04-11 23:54:26
Amazing and evocative post, Molly
I don't ever remember before I was paranoid about my size. I look at pictures of myself from when I was a kid and see a twig, but my best friend was always underweight. Even at 8, that looked like heaven to me. It didn't help when I hit puberty before all the other girls, do from age 9 to 12, I was trying to hide my breasts from the sure-to-torment boys.
In high school, you might have envied me because I was great at depriving myself. I sometimes worked out for 6 hours a day and knew every calorie that went into my body. I did some serious damage to my stomach in that time, and it took me another 4 years to get it back to normal. Ever since then, I've tried to find some sort of equilibrium between obsessive control/deprivation and not being able to fit into my pants.
I think that anyone who has met you will remember you for your wit, your style, your intelligence, your kindness, and many other beautiful qualities.
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Jana - 2005-04-13 23:58:17
This might be the best journal entry I have ever read, Molly. Maybe even one of the best essays I have ever read. I am not thin and struggle with some of the same demons that you do, and I know how hard it is every day...this is inspiring me to go write something else now.
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