Comments:

Nora - 2005-03-05 13:12:10
You are very brave for writing this entry and your complete honesty is what makes your writing so compelling and good. Stop beating yourself up for being terrible because you weren't (and I for one think the shoes off rule is ridiculous). Feel better soon.
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Dana - 2005-03-05 13:22:29
No, you were completely right and your reaction was justified and brave. I wish I had the balls to not care who was standing around me, or who might be listening, and just say what's on my mind. You reacted to a situation no holds bar, rather than passive-aggressively like I would have, and you eliminated the embarassment and the uncomfortable feelings you would have had at that party. I wish I was as brave as you, but I fear that I would have taken off my shoes, bared my smelly feet, felt like an asshole all night, and ripped my boyfriend a new one on the way home. When, all along, I should handle situations like you did, right from the get-go and get made at those who deserve it, WHEN they deserve. I was in a similar situation on Christmas Eve, and felt like a douche because I let our host and hostess make me feel uncomfortable. If I could go back, I would have put my foot down like yourself. And I wouldn't have given a shit about how they felt about me. Your issue was with Kent, as it should be, and, personally, I think your actions were justified. And hey, it's not you even knew these people--and, you probably won't ever have to see them again...I would think. Maybe I'm a fucking lunatic, as well. Who cares.
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Sarah - 2005-03-05 13:55:21
What a miserable, difficult experience. I so feel for you. And I have the same fear - that my husband won't know how to handle me in those awkward, on-the-spot moments. Be well.
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Kelly - 2005-03-05 14:47:07
This whole thing is totally about you. Kent should tkae no blame, and you should appologize for making a fool out of him. If you were with me and pulled that, I'd stop hanging out with you.
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helln - 2005-03-05 15:12:17
Wow. What a BIG simple complex hurting situation. And wow that you were brave enough to post it. I'll have to think on it a bit before I can make a cohesive sensible comment.. but just some fragment of a comment here. I am one of those people with a shoes off policy at my house. I've had that policy for years, but all my friends know. Amd had Kent been there before, for stodying? Did he know amd not tell you? There are soooooo many pieces here. Upsetness that grabs us whether we blew it or not.. it just grabs us hard and won't let go, whether it is rational or not... and we/ I want to be listened to, loved, helped, undrestood, and to have someone stand by me and know how to be a comfort NO MATTER WHAT... and then if there were other issues for the other person (Kent) they can bring them up and hash them out later ... like what came up for them and how they were hurt and how they would have liked the thing to play out and why, and this whole partnership compromise in a way that factors everyone and their feelings in evolves into solid understandings that flow more gently in these horrid situations that arise (am I living in a fairytale? or is it really possible?) I hope you get my drift from these fragmented thoughts...... I hope you feel better........ I hope you and Kent are ok........
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Ms. Boombastic - 2005-03-05 16:53:59
It seems to me that if someone has this kind of a rule at their house, they should have faced this kind of a situation before (someone comes without socks) and be prepared to offer some socks if someone appears uncomfortable. I think you may have overreacted about the no shoes rule, but you didn't overreact to the fact that your husband didn't come after you, or call you, or leave his phone on in case you called. The only justification for his behavior was that he's a guy, and guys sometimes take women too literally ("But she said I could stay and have fun, so that means she is fine with me staying and having fun.") What kind of friend/boyfriend/husband wouldn't at least try to say, "Wait, why? Let's talk about this for a minute," before letting you leave? What a horrible situation for both of you.
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Marilyn - 2005-03-05 18:27:31
You were very brave to relate your actions so honestly. I totally understand you freaking out about the no shoes rule, and I would have felt just as squeamish about being hit with that unexpectedly. In my case, I probably would have stayed...but I would have resented the hell out of everyone (the hostess, my mate, those who didn't feel self-conscious without their shoes, etc.) the entire party. That whole 'why didn't he come after me or answer his phone' thing? My man would have done the same thing Kent did. He HATES it when I cause a scene in public...'scene' being anything I might ask him in public that's even remotely personal. So he would have let me leave and thought it was MY problem and I should have just dealt with it. So my take is that the way Kent responded isn't that unusual for some guys. It seems to me that your anger might not have been solely over last night's experience...rather maybe it was just the final straw...if you had resentment (and confusion) built up over many years about Kent not wanting to share his work and school worlds with you...(and who the hell wants to feel excluded from such major parts of our partner's life?)...then your decision to leave became an ultimatum of sorts...as if in that moment you were asking him to choose: them or me? I hope the two of you get it worked/talked out to the satisfaction of both of you. Hugs.
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emjaybee - 2005-03-05 21:57:10
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation. And you are right to be so honest, because we've ALL--even the jerky poster above who bitched at you--done these things. Maybe the shoes just pushed you over the edge--maybe all the tension between you and Ken about not bringing work and life together just blew up, because you were stretched to the breaking point. Bad as it was for both of you, maybe it was necessary, in the long run. I wouldn't presume to say how to go about patching it up; but if the same issues are coming up over and over, and you guys can't resolve them--maybe it's time to go to a third party who can help ya'll find a way to get past them. It's scary to think about, but some things are too big for two people to handle. Best of luck to you both, whatever you do, and don't spend a lot of time beating yourself up.
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sutel - 2005-03-06 00:35:21
the no-shoes-inside thing sucks, and when your crazy roommate demands that it becomes the rule in your OWN DAMN HOUSE and you cannot wear shoes in your OWN DAMN HOUSE, well... Anyway, I've been where you've been, and it's hard, and it sucks, but you're so fresh and honest for admitting it. Hope everything works out OK.
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Molly - 2005-03-06 03:19:24
Everything worked out fine, and really, beyond the shoe issues was the loyalty issue, and I promise all of you that not only am I sorry for causing a hugely inappropriate scene but that my husband and I made up for real. I wish it were as simple as my husband aor I deciding we could't hang out together anymore, but that is sooooo far from reality. What happened was both of us apoligized because both of us made mistakes, and now we are fine. I am not proud of acting like such an asshole, but kids, tht is life.
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Maxwell - 2005-03-06 23:49:51
Oh Molly, I just read the post and I hope you forgive me if I say that I laughed a little at the very end, but not at you--at me and some of the scenes I've caused or been a part of. Because I'm not brave enough to write about it all over the internet, sometime over wine or email I'll tell you my story of the infamous Richard III party and the things I screamed all over the east village in wee hours of the morning. (but but BUT indeed). And finally, I hope this reads more as "I feel you, we've all been there." and less like "Me me, let me tell you about me too only More!" 'cause you know I mean the former and not the latter.
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Nadine - 2005-03-07 00:37:54
You know, something very similar happened to me years ago and I responded in about the same way. I understand how you felt.
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Wendy - 2005-03-07 10:37:50
I have come to the conclusion of late, regarding my life, that a lot of life's "scenes" have been about my incompetance at handling anger. Here's how it has been: stifle, stifle, stifle, snap and snip at those who can have no real effect on me and/or those who truly love me and will still love me regardless, stifle, stifle, stifle, go into a major depression, stifle, stifle...KABLAM!!! Give em' all a reason to say "See? I told you she was nuts. Don't you feel so sorry for me and what I have to put up with?" Apparently this all beats the hell out of just telling the guy who has been hiding me in the closet and taking me out to play when it works for him that it's dark in here and I'm hungry and I don't like it so I'm coming out now and he's going to have to start using that closet for his clothes (and shoes!) again because I am going to need some room. I've decided to call it Displaced Anger. Oh, right. That one's already taken. Well then we'll just go with that one and give credit where credit is due. And you? I will just welcome you to the sisterhood. We'll call it "The Divine Secrets of the...oh, damn, can I just have one original thought?! Okay, so we'll just call it human nature and promise to get better at learning when and where it goes.
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Aidan - 2005-03-07 11:54:16
Me too, Maxwell. I want to share a story about a time where I behaved like a total assholish freak, but only if it will help you feel better, Molly, and not like I am trying to engage you in some lame competition regarding who has been the bigger asshole. Early marriage is so rife with power struggles and high emotions misguided attempts to get the other to prove how much he or she loves you. The most important thing is that you guys are okay, individually and as a couple. It sounds like you made up and that's the only thing that matters. Hugs to you.
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Dana - 2005-03-07 12:24:40
Where I come from, we clean before guests come over so that we appear to be spotless and perfect. And then, we clean after guests leave, to erase all evidence of guests being there in the first place. We NEVER, EVER, under any circumstance, allow or demand that guests take part in the cleaning (or keeping-clean) endeavors at our house. Meaning-this woman should have allowed strangers coming to her home for the first time to keep her shoes on. And then afterwards she could have cleaned up. They make floor cleaners, murphy's oil, swiffers, vacuums, and steam cleaners for people to use in order keep their home clean. While I believe that cleanliness is next to godliness, being a bad host and making guests feel uncomfortable (especially an un-known spouse of a friend) is just NOT acceptable. Making your girlfriends take their shoes off when they come over on Saturday night to hang-SURE. Making a woman whom you've never met who is married to someone you see in school take off her shoes-NO. Just NO. My mother would have beaten that woman.
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bluepoppy - 2005-03-07 13:24:03
Molly, I have to say you are amazing. To be able to post honestly about something like this (and we ALL have out uglies, ALL of us do) is an inspiration. I think you are right that it ultimately had far less to do with bare feet than loyalty and a focus on you, your needs, your feelings-- the fact that you two are a couple, especially in this situation. Most everyone I know (us included) have a no shoes policy simply because of the mud/sand/snow etc which is part of our daily lives-- we often arrive at friends' houses with slippers in hand (you can only imagine how chic our cocktail parties are)-- it's funny cause my first reaction to the sign and the realization of bare feet was, "I'll have to ask the hostess to borrow a pair of socks . . " but that's just me. And, I know NYC has some scary social rules I know nothing about . . anyway--- not only do I not hate you or anything remotely close-- I think you are frabjous!!
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Jana - 2005-03-07 14:30:12
You are so brave, Molly. It's so eye-opening to read about what marriage is really like - I dream of the wedding and the anniversaries and the maybe babies, but I never really think about the hard stuff. (Also, anyone who values their carpet or their New Wood Floors more than their guests' comfort is probably not a person that I could socialize with.)
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mandy - 2005-03-07 14:37:52
You wouldn't think that in addition to a lipstick, chapstick, wallet, and cellphone, that a new trendy habit would be to carry a pair of socks in your purse. What a tough situation you were in. I would have gone to a local bar to drink by myself and cried.
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Beth - 2005-03-07 16:13:55
I've been debating all day about whether to post or not. For what it's worth, I think you are a great writer. I really enjoy reading your blog. It was difficult to read this post as it hit close to home - you could have been describing situations with my husband and me (not this exact situation as we do not live in NYC, and I've never been to a party where I had to remove my shoes). But sometimes I expect him to act a certain way, he doesn't, I flip out, and then we fight. I don't always like this facet of my personality because I tend to over-react to things, and usually after the fact, I realize I could have acted differently. This is rambling, but I just wanted to say that I definitely understand where you are coming from and sympathize with the fact you had such a bad evening.
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Jecca - 2005-03-07 16:49:27
Oh, baby. I'm so sorry you had such a sucky night. As so many others have said, I understand your reactions. I'm not happy or proud when I act that way, but I do and I have . . . and I'm never brave enough to 'fess up afterward.
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hannah - 2005-03-07 20:01:56
Molly, I'm going to buy you a cute pair of Missoni stripey socks. You poor thing. This weekend my husband took my pouting all the way through an hour of traffic to eat at the world's worst restaurant which he planned as a dinner out without consulting me even though he'd have to have me drive and he knows there is nothing I hate more than getting on the 405, much less on a Saturday night, much less to EAT horrible horrible Czech FOOD as license to tell everyone that when we finally arrived I had said "I'm so hungry I could eat at Czech Point." Which then became the punchline for the evening. Feh on this weekend!
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Sarcomical - 2005-03-07 20:56:07
okay, i'm not going to apologize for laughing SEVERAL times out loud while i was reading this since the reason i laughed was because it sounds so familiar inside-it sounded like something i would possibly or very likely do during my very worst moments, when things happened to me like that a lot, not even that long ago. here's what i honestly think. yeah, the no-shoes rule stinks. i usually only understand that when there are babies in the house (you know, germs and babies near the floor and all). i understand how you feel about the bare feet thing. not fun, AT ALL!!! i HATE feet. ugh. i've experienced that feeling at someone's house and it is so embarrassing. seems shallow, but it is not controllable - it's just embarrassing and that is that. here's the thing...yeah, your reaction was a bit...dramatic (remember, no judgement here), and your husband i'm sure didn't see this as a loyalty issue at the time because, as you said, he was just shocked. all i know is, if i'd done that in front of my husband's friends, i wouldn't be worrying about his loyalty. i'd be worrying about whether or not he wanted to be married to a psycho. i only say that because that would usually be his reaction whenever i overreacted to things in the past - yay me. so you've got something to be thankful for in that respect. at least he still was open to talking with you and loving you, even if he didn't respond to it initially the right way. i bet you he was up there for that hour thinking "i might as well stay here and delay the inevitable and have cheese than deal with her". -NOT the right response either. but hey, you guys are still learning about each other and tough situations like that. in my experience as a former (and now very intermittent) overreactor and emotional outburst-er, you will find that when you slowly but surely are able to better step back and breathe when stuff like that happens and realize it's not such a big deal (i know, easier said than done!) - you'll feel less like your husband doesn't understand you and/or love you. (i feel pretty secure saying that because it sounds like you two really do love each other a lot.) because those fears and feelings were always amplified for me when i felt that way - they plagued me day and night and i was constantly questioning my husband's love for me. and by my actions, i was always challenging him. a vicious and disgusting circle which left us both feeling like crap. i totaly feel for you and still think you're awesome - for being so brave to post one of your weakest moments, and for when you're just plain funny and you! but while i don't want to say "yay, you should have gotten pissed - good for you!" like some other people here have said (because i don't feel that way - what i REALLY wish for you is that someday if that happens again you can shrug it off and ask for socks or cutely ignore the rule in your cute shoes and that your husband will back you up 100 percent and laugh with you about how stupid and mean the rule is), i want to say this instead: "yay, you're growing and learning together and will be stronger for it!" because even though you both didn't handle this one quite right, you are still here - together. and that's the point, right?
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Sarcomical - 2005-03-07 21:21:17
p.s. my husband said your hubby should have totally gone to get you or pulled you aside. he must have really been freaked. so even a guy gets you. ;)
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julia - 2005-03-08 23:39:54
Molly, you are so brave for telling that story. Thank you for sharing it- I myself have pitched some hissies and I can totally identify with the feeling of standing in the street freezing, pissed off and alone. I'm so glad to hear that the two of you are OK.
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Kate - 2005-03-09 00:27:14
I think you are very brave for writing this entry and I feel for you. For a moment I felt like I was reliving my past. My husband, now ex-husband, did the same thing to me. He never wanted me to go to any office functions - said spouses were not allowed. Turns out the real reason he did not want me to go was because he was having an affair with his secretary. I have worked in offices since that time that did not "allow" spouses to attend office functions and I can tell you from experience that it is "not a good thing."
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Caron - 2005-03-09 14:39:13
Hi from a non-pregnant blogger. :) I am going to go out on a limb now and say something that might make YOU hate ME: Your husband's friends should be embarrassed by your husband's actions, not so much by yours. I would think very little indeed of a man who would let his wife leave and not escort her. Very little. Sign me, Married @ 40
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Gwen - 2005-03-15 21:29:35
Oh my god, I am the QUEEN of the "storm out, wait for boyfriend to come after me, eventually go back and yell at him for not coming after me" routine. I'm not proud of it, and it's something I'm slowly doing less of, but I can so relate to your story. And I never would have the chutzpah to share such a story myself, at least not with the interweb, so go you with the bravery!
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Jen - 2005-04-21 07:20:05
All I can say is that you totally handled that situation better than I ever would have. I agree with you (whole-heartedly) about the 'no shoes' policy. AND I probably would have made more of a spectacle of myself if my boyfriend ever did something like that to me. I swear, he wouldn't even know what hit him. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Not even a little bit.
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zinktuais - 2005-04-25 17:31:10
I know you wrote this entry weeks ago, (I'm just catching up, sorry...)but i just wanted to say that I think I would have probably had the same reaction. YOu must be proud of yourself for being so honest and brave. Hope it is 'totally fox' by now ;) Love your writing. Greetings from Spain!
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zinktuais - 2005-04-25 17:32:31
i meant totally fixed!! Sorry!!
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