Ab un-Fab [ 2005-03-21, 12:12 a.m. ]

I joined a gym earlier today.

I should say, I re-joined a gym earlier today, because I have belonged to most of the area gyms at one point or another, and am now a member of New York Sports Club for the third time. I am not a fan of the gym, but weather and time constraints make it hard to run outside, because I do not want to go running when it is cold/rainy/snowing/too early/too late/scary/spooky/hot/trash night. Plus, am lazy.

But I woke up this morning and felt the booze and ricotta cheesecake still mushing around in my belly, and thought, Huh, maybe I should do some crunches or something? Then took a shower and pulled on jeans and thought, Huh, didn’t think these just came out of the dryer but they sure feel tighter than usual. Went over to husband for a little snuggle and thought, Huh, kind of feels like he is grabbing my fat…

Which is when I walked to the gym and said Please I want to join sign me up for the gym take my money I need to lose the backfat take all my money just make me less squishy PLEASE.

It’s just that I like the food and the drink so much! I had a terrific day yesterday, in which I ate and drank steadily from 2:30 until about midnight. I first worked up an appetite shopping for makeup at Bergdorf Goodman, which makes a girl hungry, mostly because before getting hungry you decide that you can never eat again unless you want the scrawny uptown ladies pointing at you in horror as you maneuver your non-size two ass through the sunglass-wearing, poodle-toting, anti-aging cream-buying crowds. But after shopping with my bride friend for all things bride, we ended up back in Brooklyn at the corner Tex- Mex place and were soon elbow deep in queso and chips and I was working on my second Bloody Mary before Kent and the groom showed up. We ordered lunch and another round of drinks and when the food was gone, moved to the bar where we drank a few more rounds while pretending to watch basketball. Brit and her husband joined us, and we suddenly noticed it was dark and Hey, more food might be kinda good…so Kent and I went with Brit and her husband straight from one bar to another, where we eventually settled at a table and ate a gazillion carbs covered with cheese, and went through several bottles of wine and then had dessert and more booze and right about the time I was ready to unbutton my pants some more dessert wine appeared.

It was a great day.

This morning I woke up cranky, and it was raining and the apartment is a mess and there is laundry piled up and the dishwasher needs to be emptied, and I was feeling icky so I went out for a walk, planning all along to shop for shoes and maybe stop at the bookstore. But it started raining harder and I cut my walk short and ended two blocks from the gym, acutely aware of my thighs. I went to the gym and totally got snookered into the hard sell, and as the friendly, perky membership representative was giving me a tour of the various cardio rooms and squash courts, I saw a familiar blond ponytail bobbing on an elliptical trainer. Clad in short spandex shorts and a halter top, it was my friend, the bride. And she looked good. No, she looked Good. I threw my AmEx at the nice representative mid-pitch and basically started weeping on his shoulder. The backfat, OH GOD THE BACKFAT, I moaned…well, not exactly, but after seeing my friend in all her tan, skinny-and-long-legged-but-still-with-the-big-boobs glory, I would have signed up for anything that offered the potential for shrinking the size of my own ass. A one-year membership to the gym seems like the least I could do.

I am not a gym person, because the guilt of not going to the gym weighs me down so much that I can never actually make it to the gym, if that makes sense. Think mobius strip, but with sports bras. I take much more of a I’ll-just-walk-home-from-work-and-window-shop approach to my exercise, preferring for a workout to be slipped into my day with an element of surprise, like Oh, goodness, I was just walking along and bumped into Exercise on my way home! It was the last place I thought I’d see him! Thank goodness I had my comfy boots with me!

But y’all, I need to tone or strengthen or something this nearing-30-year-old body of mine. So I joined a gym, and then – and I wish this was a lie but it isn’t, it really, sadly isn’t – I stopped at the little French pasty shop on the corner and bought a pain au chocolat. Really, I did. Like, my gym membership paperwork was in one hand and the flaky, buttery pastry was in the other. But, having paid my initiation fee just moments ago, I felt that a reward was in order.

After joining the gym I came home and sat on my ass and read and wrote emails and bitched about 86 stupid little things and then watched U2 get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, at which point I realized two things: One, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is not hip and the people who attend an induction ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are not hip; and Two, that for a long time I have thought one of my favorite songs by U2 was called Wide Awake but in fact it is called Bad. I even wrote about in on this site and talked about how much I love the song Wide Awake, but after listening to U2 play during their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thingy, I was browsing iTunes and looking for Wide Awake, because I love it. And I couldn’t find it, which seemed weird because I was sure I had uploaded all the U2 cds. So I went to the music store and searched Wide Awake and no song by that name came up. But I saw a song called Bad and thought, Huh? Bad? Don’t know that song…let me download it…and sure enough, it was the song that I thought was named Wide Awake, the song I professed love for time and time again, and then I noticed that Yes, we already had Bad downloaded (uploaded, whatever) and in fact I am just a big idiot who doesn’t know the proper names of any songs, but in my defense, the song Bad does contain the lyrics Wide Awake…but am hideously embarrassed nonetheless.

And still have not gone to the gym.

Am hating the Sunday Blues and feeling that I’ve got a touch of the Block, so I will sign off soon and leave you with three very exciting bits of news. First, my brother just got engaged, and we are thrilled about it. Second, Kent and I are taking a vacation to Italy in May. And third, my friend Brit bought a pair of Jimmy Choos, which I think more than getting a period or losing one’s virginity makes a girl a woman. They are silver and strappy and a thing of beauty. If I hadn’t just committed $1000 to New York Sports Club, I would be daydreaming about getting some Choos of my own, but the AmEx, she is exhausted.

And maybe I’m imagining things, but I swear my muscles are actually sore already. Perhaps am getting toned via The Power of The Mind.

Wouldn't that be lovely.

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