I will start running, keep running, eat green vegetables and grilled chicken instead of cheese and chocolate, complete a marathon, make my bed every morning and do yoga every night, never buy new underwear in place of doing laundry, take the dog for more walks and keep an orderly, clean and stylish home.
I will never utter any of the above resolutions aloud, so as to eliminate shame and guilt that would otherwise come from meeting none of them.
I will blow-dry my hair properly at least five mornings of the week. Wet hair is not appropriate for my new Corporate Girl image. Neither are sneakers and t-shirts with pithy statements on them, so after blow-drying hair, I will put on non-denim pants, shirts with buttons and shoes that go clickity-clack when I walk.
I will not spend all of my new Corporate Girl salary on new clothes and shoes, and will especially not do so before even beginning new Corporate job and receiving a Corporate paycheck.
I will be sweeter to my husband.
I will be sweeter to my husband, because he is a nice, nice man who tries very hard at all he does and it is not fair of me to blame him for not being as communicative or handy with tools or tall as I would sometimes like him to be. He is perfect just as he is, and I need to remember that we are all God’s Children, and on those occasions when my sweet, sweet husband pisses me off to the point that I debate throwing my (empty) wine glass as him, whatever he is doing to anger me is probably the fault of his mother anyway.
I will call my own mother more frequently, and will say more to her than “Uh huh…okay…yep…uh huh…okay…yep” because we are all God’s Children and my mother has nothing but good intentions and just because she is SuperMom does not mean I need to be SuperDaughter or even ReallyGoodDaughter because she will love me no matter the size of my hips or the amount of flab on my belly or number of degrees I have earned. I think. No, really, she is my mom and I love her and I am her daughter and she loves me and so I need to GET OVER it and just relax and enjoy her company and not let myself feel like a big, fat slob compared to my mother. Even if she does seem to view things like obesity, illness, acne as signs of personal weaknesses.
I will wake up early enough to complete my FULL grooming regimen every morning, not rushing and being forced to alternate shaving above the knee on Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday with below the knee on Monday-Wednesday-Friday because that is kind of pathetic. Not that I do it. But I will embrace the morning time because we are all God’s Children and each morning is a gift and I should treat them as such, not fall into the Snooze trap and not (NOT!) going to my new Corporate Job with wet hair (see above…really! I won’t!).
I will buy stamps, huge rolls of stamps, so that when the time comes for me to send proper correspondence or holiday cards, I will not ransack the apartment hissing, “Where are the fucking STAMPS?” Ditto for wrapping paper, scotch tape, safety pins and dental floss.
I will read more books, finish nearly, mostly all of them, and I will actually update on my other [secret] site: Cartwheeled . You see, in theory I have a book blog with my friend Emilie , but I have been bad about reading books and worse about updating. Oh, and totally negligent in changing the template into something stylish and cute which implies Smart! And Hip to Pop Culture! while effectively demonstrating just how brainy-sexy Emilie and I really are. Will better develop my alterna-Sexy Librarian persona for the book blog, and will also learn how to stop all the fucking casino spammers from jacking with the comments.
I will visit my friends in far-flung places. Like Jersey City and the Upper East Side. And also Washington D.C. and Southern California and when it is time for Kent to visit his friends in far-flung places like Ohio and Wisconsin, I will not complain about going along.
I will sign up for frequent flier miles with all the airlines I use, because I am just DUMB for not taking better advantage of the miles I have been accruing. I will also find a way to use Kent’s Delta miles to our advantage, even though Delta seems to only go to shitty places through shittier connecting cities and makes you pay for headphones.
I will not spend my Christmas bonus on the Marc Jacobs bag I really want. Or the Sigerson Morrison one either. Really, I won’t.
If I do spend my Christmas bonus on a Marc Jacobs or Sigerson Morrison bag, I will not be ashamed of having done so. (I EARNED THAT MONEY!! I EARNED THAT PRETTY BAG!! STOP JUDGING ME!!!)
I will not make rash decision about home improvement matters, especially not ones that result in 97 holes in the walls behind pictures and the wrong shade of blue in the bedroom.
I will not sit and complain about certain home improvement issues while doing nothing, like the bad chandelier in the dining area and the need for a new paint job in the living room.
I will call my mother-in-law, all on my own, just to talk.
No really, I will. Just give me time.
I think I will.
I will turn 30 gracefully.
In Las Vegas.
With a tiara and a martini.
Tiaras, of course. Four martinis.
I will spend more time with my friends and less time checking my email. (But email me! because I was totally just kidding! I heart the internet!)
Except that it’s 12:30 and I’m not dressed, so let me begin 2005 by saying Happy New Year and signing off, because I’ve got a date with my husband, a plate of hash browns, and some Bloody Marys.
Happy New Year kiddies!!