Reaction, Ad Naseum [ 2004-11-03, 8:42 p.m. ]

I’m still at the point where I’m searching for the Thing – any Thing – that thing that will make me feel better when all is said and done, even though I know it will be a long, long time before all has been said, and I can only hope that all will never really be done because as far as I’m concerned, people are talking too much and doing too little, myself included, but like I was saying, right now I’m still looking for that Thing that I can hold on to, that Thing that will make me feel better and make me less angry and less heartsick and less pissed off at people - at all the fucking people who chose fear over hope, status quo over the possibility of change, the people who dare utter phrases like “moral values” and in doing so, imply that I am immoral and lack values. I am so angry at those people, and I need to find something to hold onto, something to make me not want to kick things really, really hard, but I’m having a hard time doing so because all I can focus on is my disappointment, as well as fury that somewhere in this nation, President Fuckwad is happily collecting congratulations on what he probably believes was a divinely-entitled win, and it’s that image that kept me up last night and has led me straight to a bottle of Rioja tonight. And I can’t find anything positive yet, save for Barak Obama and the knowledge that campaign season is over. I had been feeling discouraged and worried and like Kerry would have a really, really hard time winning the election, but then, in the last week, I felt better and encouraged and hopeful and yesterday felt like a holiday, and on the streets of my Blue state people were happy and hugging and celebrating and voting was FUN and I wanted to hug each and every person I saw because no matter where they live or work or who they sleep with or how much money they make or don’t make and whether they use proper grammar or not or think “COPS” is a good show or like T.G.I. Friday’s or drive an S.U.V., we all had this one thing in common and we all made time to vote and we all stood in the same lines and our vote counted no more and no less than the people on either side of us. And I was hopeful. And now I am so, so sad and even though in a few days or maybe weeks’ time I will re-read this entry and cringe at the wah wah wah quality, I just need to find something to hold onto. Something that makes me forget about the bans on gay marriages, which made me cry because gay marriage WILL be made legal, of that I am certain, and it is only a matter of time until America is ready, but why why WHY until that time do people feel so fearful and hateful that they need to PASS LEGISLATION against it, so that when America is finally ready to accept the frighteningly hard-to-grasp idea that gay people and gay relationships are no different from straight people and straight relationships, we have to pass MORE LEGISLATION un-doing a hateful, hateful thing which was a made-up issue to begin with, designed to ruffle feathers and stir emotions and get more fucking votes for President Fuckwad, which is hideous to me because Gavin Newsom was trying to do something good and significant and actually made a change instead of just talking about it, and now the reactionary fuckwads went through all sorts of trouble to make sure that state constitutions forbid it. And while I’m ranting, please, please PLEASE explain to me why the poorest people, the ones sending their children and friends and brothers and sisters to Iraq, the ones least likely to benefit from This Administration’s tax plan, the ones least likely to ever witness an act of terrorism, the ones most in need of health care and social security and an improved education system and government subsidies are the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE who re-elected our president, please explain it to me because I do not understand, not at all, not when the wealthiest people, the people who witnessed terrorist attacks in their backyard, the people who stand to lose the most financially under Kerry still voted for him, the people of New York and New Jersey and Connecticut, who make the financial world go ‘round voted for Kerry, if WE, who have lost the most still realize that Fuckwad is in fact, a fuckwad, why are we stuck with Fuckwad for four more years? And why did if have to be Ohio, my old nemesis, so that my in-laws can call and claim victory and tell me that they’d been praying for “their man Dubya” and FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU, I do not want to play nice anymore and I hate that Ohio can’t see that it will only continue to lose more jobs and that the middle class is disappearing and that Fuckwad was not re-elected because of prayers but because people are afraid and he made them that way, and right now I want New York to secede and take California and Washington State and maybe Minnesota with it, and we can pass anti-Ohio legislation, in fact, perhaps we will make it a law that every time the word “Ohio” is uttered, it be followed with “fuckwad central.” And also, right now I am so fucking pissed off that I want to make a donation to Planned Parenthood in my mother-in-law’s name, and I would love for her to get something in the mail thanking her, because not only can Planned Parenthood use every dollar they can get, but HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE, even though I know I am now being spiteful, but really people, we need to GET OVER the abortion thing, because it has been 30 years and I totally respect the views of people who think it is Wrong, but I also DO NOT CARE because it is a LEGAL RIGHT and if you think abortion is wrong, don’t have one, but please, everyone stop stop stop making it an issue because we ain’t NEVER gonna agree, but still, it’s a legal right and so a candidate should not have to even touch upon the issue, no more than they should have to come out as being Pro-Free Speech or not. But the abortion thing will not go away, and it infuriates me, because it causes Pollsters to ask questions about “moral values” which is the quickest way to get me GOOD AND MAD because it is just a benign euphemism for hate, fear, social conservatism and I resent being measured on some arbitrary scare of morality in which religion – the very thing that is supposed to be absent from the political arena – is given center stage and narrow-mindedness is equated with Good while tolerance is equated with Bad. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you to every one who voted for Bush because they felt he had stronger moral values. Fuck you.

So I can’t really find anything good to hold onto at this point. So I’m pouring another glass of wine and showing you a picture of my dog in a tutu.


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