Green is the New Black [ 2004-09-20, 1:43 p.m. ]

Lest anyone get the impression that I am a city intellectual who goes to museums and wine tastings and sample sales all the live-long day, I bring you my Emmy Recap 2004. Because while I do occasion museums and have been to art openings and once stood next to Julia Roberts at a movie premier, I also go to Barnes & Noble to read People whenever I can, and were I still at my previous job, this morning’s staff meeting would largely be devoted to Who Wore What: Who Looked Hot and, More Importantly, Who Looked Like Shit.

Now, I know that the Internet is crawling with witty and scathing and clever recaps. Some people even get paid for such things! I may not be the hippest or most frequently-read or funniest (perhaps, not funny at all!) writer, so I thought I’d distinguish myself in some other way. Namely, that it is in no particular order, other than the stream-of-consciousness birthed from browsing E Online and Yahoo Pictures. Brilliant, no?

I flipped between E’s pre-Emmy coverage and Jack & Bobby on the WB for a while, so I may have missed some of the key Red Carpet moments. I’m also still unclear whether the hot kid on Jack & Bobby grows up to be the President or a large black woman with cleavage the size of my head. Also, on ABC, did I really see Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog conducting interviews? With real people, who gave interviews to Muppets? Because, why? WHY?

But on with it!…beginning with the pre-show. Based on my scribbled notes (literally scribbled, on the back of my Williams-Sonoma catalog), the following starts deserved mention for their Red Carpet entrances: Janel Maloney, lovely in yellow. Laura Linney – damn! she cleans up well. I’ve seen her in person, dressed casually while shopping, and she is attractive but not nearly the bombshell she appears at awards shows. Love her dress, love Prada, want her hair. Is Star Jones really friends with all these people? Is she really inviting Donald Trump to her wedding? What is wrong with Melania’s eyes – she looks like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Why did Star Jones change dresses? Why is Star Jones HERE AT ALL? Debra Messing – looks stunning. I love that she is not stick-thin, although I’m sure stick-thin is only a few months away. But lovely, from head to toe and now I kind of want a baby. Mariska Something, from Law & Order SVU looks amazing. I love her dress and if I could go to an awards show in my fantasy dress with my fantasy body, I would want to look like her. But not with the hair and the flower because Ick. Ooh! Allison Janney! Also in green! Gorgeous! Love her hair! Green is the new black! Aw, Kristen Davis. So, so beautiful. I think she is flawless. And again with the Prada. Love her. Ooh - Kim Cattrall – gah. Hate the gown. Ugly feathers are cheap-looking. Where is Sarah Jessica? Oh! There she is, with cute Bald Fashion Guy who I have seen downtown several times! I love her dress – kind of dull, but lovely - love her tan, love her hair. Ferris looks like shit. Seriously, what is Matthew Broderick wearing? And when did he go gray? And get all bloated? She looks divine, though. Is that the girl from the OC? I’ve never seen the show, don’t know her name (Mischa?), and find her voice grating and annoying, but she is lovely. Love the gold dress. Perfect. Also have never seen Joan of Arcadia, but I kind of hate that Amber Tamber girl, or whatever her name is. She thinks she’s so great. You’re 17! Loosen up! Gah. I hate Star Jones and am sick of her giggling about her wedding with everyone. She just whored her ring on national TV, for like, the 95th time. Dude, you’re not 22 and having cocktails with your girlfriends. Stop with the wedding talk! No Squee allowed, not when you’re 40+ and hosting a LIVE TELEVISION EVENT. Who is that in the white? Joely Richardson? Stunning. Looks like a goddess. Oh, forgot to mention Portia di Rossi – looks amazing, thin, but not scary-thin like the late Ally McBeal years. Also, have awoken a long-dormant crush on Jason Bateman. How cute is he?! Also love his wife’s dress – funky and cool, not trophy-wife bland. Wait - I think I might have some distant connection to him? Oh yes – my friend Jay’s friend Diane is friends with them, went to wedding. Jealous of her now. Okay, enough pre-show. Please, start this bitch already.

Ooh, finally! The show! And kinda lame reality TV bits! Oh well. I think Garry Shandling is hilarious, but sucks as a host. The 872 zillion viewers need someone like Ellen. He’s too dry, or too sarcastic, too something. Too many inside jokes, maybe? Not sure, but while I love The Larry Sanders Show, I hate him as a host. But oh well…look, it’s SJP and Big! Only, it’s awkward…oh, it’s awkward. He should only read scripted lines, for real. But I love David Hyde Pierce, and I think his speech is classy and appropriate. Who’s next? Oh, it’s Heather Locklear and her breasts, and also Blair Underwood. Damn, those are some breasts all right. But Christafuh wins! And he’s awesome, and his wife looks like she could kick some ass, big time. He deserves that Emmy, no doubt. I love how supportive The Sopranos cast is of each other. Now, where’s my girl Drea?

Supporting Actress in a Comedy – such a hard choice for me. I think Kristin Davis has been shamefully underrated as Charlotte, and I would love to see her win. But Kim Cattrall and Cynthia Nixon are also fab, as is Megan Mullaly. I guess it all depends on which episodes were submitted, because Kristin Davis broke my heart several times last season, but oh, don’t EVEN get me started on Sex and the City, because it will be a long night and I will start to weep. But Cynthia wins! She looks gorgeous with her new hair color, and I love the jewelry. Her dress is crap, though. Ill-fitting crap. She is eloquent and professional and I love her. Well-deserved. Now I think all but Kristen Davis have won an award for their work, which kind of sucks, because I really do think Charlotte was essential to the foursome. But again, don’t get me started…

Blah blah blah stuff that I don’t care about. Except, the writers’ sketches were funny! And the guy from Arrested Development is hot. And funny, which makes him Hot. Ha! With the singing bit when the orchestra starts up…HOT.

Gah. Little Miss Talks-to-God. And this year’s Homecoming King of The Internet, Zach Braff. And they give the Emmy to my girl Drea! Who I love and adore and love and adore some more! Yay Ade! You deserved it! And can I also say how much I love what Drea is wearing – it’s not my favorite dress, but I love that while she has one of the hottest bodies EVER, she shows up wearing an interesting, vintage dress, looking feminine and classy and totally unique. I. Love. Her.

I love Jeffrey Tambor.

I still love Debra Messing’s outfit. She is glowing. She and Eric McCormack are the only funny presenters, and the only ones who seem to have legitimate chemistry. Now I want to guest star on Will & Grace. They are presenting Supporting Actor in a miniseries or movie, and I think it is bunk that Justin Kirk is in this category. I know that he was submitted as “supporting” in order to ensure Pacino’s slam-dunk in the leading category, but really…how is Prior Walter a supporting character? Also, I want to lick his sexy, sexy nose. But Jeffrey Wright absolutely deserves this award! He is so, so talented and well-spoken. I saw him in Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk and he was fab. I am kicking myself for not seeing Top Dog/Underdog. His speech is lovely, and would have been more so if the music hadn’t drowned out his thoughtful and appropriate comments on AIDS. Stupid orchestra.

More stuff I don’t care about. Then – Yikes! Sharon Stone weighs 87 pounds! And is showing her navel! And William Shatner weighs 320 lbs! And isn’t wearing a tie! Hideous. And now Matt LeBlanc is introducing a montage of shows’ finale episodes. And the Dead Show Montage made me weep harder than the Dead People Montage which came later. It was the Wonder Years that got me. It always does. Oh, and Murphy Brown. And Sex and the City. Sniff, sniff. Thank god Buffy was so consistently snubbed by the Emmys, because a clip of her with Giles and Willow and Xander would put me over the edge.

Doesn’t The Wire start soon? Crap, must record to watch later. And stare at Dominic West.

I love Tony Kushner. Really should have gone to see Homebody/Kabul when it was at BAM, but see first paragraph (Am not classy, read People magazine, don’t go to theatre. Must change).

Do not understand the Reality segment AT ALL. Don’t know why Reality shows get Emmy’s, don’t know why these two people are on stage, don’t know how they could not know they’re at the Emmy’s (You’re in a fancy dress! In LA! On Emmy night!). Hate the banter with Ben & Jen. Hate even seeing Ben & Jen, because they are too damn pretty. It’s too much pretty for one room, people! Keep those bronze lovelies OUT OF MY SIGHT! Especially when I am scarfing Chinese food and wearing pajama pants with polar bears on them. But a big, fat whatever to the whole bit. (also, if I ever was on stage and introduced to a Super Famous A-List Celebrity, I would never, EVER tell that celeb that “People say I look like you!” EVER!! GAH!)

Flipping channels now. Kent wants to watch football. I want ice cream.

I hate Edie Falco’s dress.

I hate Al Pacino.

I want to make out with Taye Diggs.

I love Allison Janney and I think she looks divine. But a) tell your date to wear a fucking TIE and b) your speech made me cringe. Do not ask people to join you on stage. And if asked, DO NOT GET UP. Awkward. So awkward! Bad, bad Emmy winner.

Shut up, SJP. I love Carrie Bradshaw for all her flaws and asshole moments and endearing mistakes, but I cannot listen to SJP give faux-surprised speeches anymore.

I could not love Meryl Street more. I like her outfit, hate her necklace, adore her speech. I think she would just be the COOLEST person to know. I saw her about a year ago, shopping in a shoe store on 5th Avenue, and I almost started to shake. She was luminous, and so grounded and lovely. I seriously adore her, and would sit her to my right at my Fantasy Dinner Party (Bill Clinton is on the left). So fuck the orchestra that plays over her! No one plays over Meryl! NO ONE!

I love Arrested Development and am thrilled for them, although I kind of hate David Cross after seeing him on Celebrity Poker Showdown (again, I am NOT classy. I watch trash TV and gossip about celebs). But I think it’s great that Everybody Loves Raymond did not win.

And The Sopranos wins! What? – the announcer just said it’s their first Emmy win? How is that possible? I feel like they win EVERYTHING. Guess not. But very cool for them, as last season was intense and exciting. But oh…then end of the show. It’s bad. The show ends with James Gandolfini trying to speak, but not getting mike time. Awkward cut, then credits roll. Eeesch. And now that it’s over, I realize that I haven’t seen Jennifer Garner at all. Which seems strange since she is a pretty big celeb, and also is on an ABC show. Why no presenting? Oh, and I forgot to mention it before, but I am so thrilled that James Spader won, because he is a sexy, sexy man. Sexy. I have a weakness for chunky-framed glasses (Mike Nichols, I’m looking at you…mmmmm), and also for slick, smary cokehead assholes from the 80’s. I also think it is both classy and odd that he thanked the mother of his kids (who is clearly not his current partner). Excellent speech and hot, hot hot.

Ah, Tivo…now I can watch The Wire in peace.

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