Fury, With a Side of White-Hot Rage [ 2004-06-14, 12:08 a.m. ]

We have all laughed and laughed and laughed at ďmother-in-lawĒ jokes and yukked it up watching in-laws be the butt of every joke on every sitcom ever to grace the television screen, ever. But somehow, we still donít learn. At least, I didnít. Because sure, Iíve heard that you ďreally do marry the familyĒ when you get married. Iíve repeated the phrase to engaged and married friends. Yeah, no shit, families arenít perfect, but somehow, somehow, I still manage to get the occasional hard bitch-slap of reality from my own in-laws. I just havenít learned yet. You really do marry the family. And yes, they really are bat-shit crazy.

I had a whole other entry planned. A composed, brilliant entry (well, at least a DIFFERENT entry, although the composition and brilliance we still works-in-progress). Still, I surely hadnít planned on the rant you all are in store for, on account of my BAT-SHIT CRAZY in-laws.

I joke. I poke fun. I tell funny stories about my in-laws with a variety of inappropriate punchlines. But I love them (well, am trying to love them), and I accept them for who they are, and I truly believe them to be kind, good people. Who happed to be bat-shit crazy.

Hereís the current drama:

My sister-in-law is starting a PhD program in North Carolina this fall and is preparing to move to Raleigh over July 4th weekend. For some reason she - 30 years old with two masters degrees Ė has decided that she needs help moving. And in needing help, she immediately went to her parents, my spazzy, dramatic, paranoid, bat-shit in-laws. The three of them have been arguing lately as it is, mainly because my in-laws donít want my sister-in-law to go to school (because she is leaving them, blah blah blah I could barf thinking about it), so when she approached them for help moving, they ALL immediately FREAKED THE FUCK OUT and decided that No, hiring a moving company was not an option and they would all rent a U-Haul and drive her and her belongings to North Carolina and oh yeah, Kent should fly from NEW YORK to help them, and hey, someone else will come along and drive my sister-in-lawís car to NC for her because that somehow makes more sense than HIRING MOVERS. So that just seems stupid to me Ė why my sister-in-law canít just hire movers all on her own without going to her parents for help is beyond me. She is THIRTY YEARS OLD and should be able to move on her own. But as soon as my in-laws got involved, the situation exploded, because these are people who would rather drive 2 hours to Louisville and fly to Newark and take a $60 cab to our apartment in Brooklyn because doing so saved them $75 on airfare. And now they think Kent needs to FLY to help my sister-in-law move.

No having researched the cost of movers at this point, I was still pretty confident that a moving company would still cost less than a U-Haul, several tanks of gas, 2 hotel rooms and AIRFARE FROM NEW YORK. But hey, Iím just the daughter-in-law, so I kept my mouth shut.

But tonight the fan was once again hit with shit, as my sister-in-law and father-in-law called Kent and went on and on about the move and Kentís need to be there. Yadda yadda yadda, much yelling ensued and my in-laws STILL hadnít even considered hiring movers. They are 60 years old. They have no business moving furniture. Neither does Kent, unless it is LOCAL furniture. Plus, this move is slated to happen over the Fourth of July weekend. Never mind that Hey, we might have plans, but Kentís last day of work happens to be July 2nd. So his family is asking him to leave his workplace FOR THE LAST TIME, and rather than going out to dinner to celebrate, they want him on a plane, flying to either Ohio or North Carolina. Itís insane, right? But get this:

The following weekend, Kent might be going to Cincinnati to visit a friend who will be passing through for a few days. Kent mentions this to his sister, trying to explain how RIDICULOUS it is for him to fly to either NC or OH to help her move. Her solution????? Is that he should fly to Ohio, drive with her and her parents to North Carolina (in a gas-guzzling caravan of two cars plus a U-Haul), spend the week at her one-bedroom apartment - with their parents, mind you - drive back to Ohio, then spend the following weekend in Cincinnati. The idea is so very, very BAD that I will withhold comment. But when Kent told his sister that her idea was bad, she got pissed. Kent said, ďIím not going to leave Molly and the dog for a week and a half.Ē Her response (and really, this is my favorite part): ďWell, then bring the dog.Ē

BRING THE DOG.

Now Kent is mad and feels guilty and pissed off and I am furious but am trying to bite my tongue and be supportive, but FUCK ME if he is going to spend hundreds of dollars flying and driving all over the place for his sister who should just HIRE MOVERS ALREADY. She is a passive-aggressive piece of work, that one.

Iím not crazy, right? They are being ridiculous, right? I mean, my father-in-law is acting like a) my sister-in-law is somehow incapacitated, and b) that movers cost tens of thousands of dollars and are only for the frivolous rich folk. But she is THIRTY, people. An adult about to start a doctorate program. Why canít she handle this? Donít they see that four pissed-off people in a U-Haul does not equal ďquality time?Ē

Insane. Maddening. Frustrating.

Bat-shit crazy.

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