A Tuesday Morning [ 2004-05-04, 11:48 a.m. ]

Wake up! Wakeupwakeupwake UP!! It’s time to get up!! I want to chew chew chew and stretch stretch streatch. Get up and let’s ROMP and play and I wanna get on your bed and bite your quilt. Yumyumyum, I like to eat your pillow too. Now will you get up? Lick lick lick. Lick. Licklicklicklicklick. Get up. How about now, if I step all over you, again and again like I’m a billy goat. Billy goat, billy goat, stepstepsteppystepstep. Get out of bed Lady. Or, let me under the covers with you. Yeah, yeah! That’s even better! I wanna snuggle by your legs. Mmmm. Toes. I love toes. Now it’s time to get UP. UP UP UP! Here, let me show you my Kong. If I show you my Kong, then you will understand how EXCITED I am about getting up. See it? See my Kong? Wait…? No, don’t take my Kong. My Ko- what? You threw it? Now I have to go get it. Oh, but what’s this? Garbage!! I found some garbage on the way to get my Kong! I’m so happy!! *wiggle wiggle wiggle* this is the greatest day ever! Finally, you’re up! *jump jump JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMP* it’s so great to be up!! Now I wanna go OUT!! OUToutoutout! And I want treats! Lots of treaaatss! Oh, no…nonono…I’m gonna run away from you because you’re holding that collar and leash thing and you KNOW I hate it. I hate it. It makes me slow and it pulls my neck and I want to run and run and RUN AND RUNRUNRUN!! Okay, let’s go OUT! Outoutout. Yay! Now that we’re out I wanna sniff and sniff and sniff. Sniffsniffsniff. Now gimme a treat. Oh, it’s windy. I don’t like the wind. It blows things around that scare me and make me BARK and GROWL and it blows in my ears and makes them stand up and I hate it. I hate you wind! I’m gonna bark at you! Just because! BarkbarkBARK! Now I need to pee. Why do I have to do it in the street? I hate this. I wanna pee and poop at home, on the rug, right near my bed. It’s so much BETTER there. Oh well. Now let’s RUN! I wanna RUN! But I can’t because of this collar and leash. Hate hate hate the collar and leash. Look how sad I am that I can’t RUN. I’m such a good dog. I’m nice and pretty. Look how pretty I am! I’m so good. I’m the greatest dog in the world. I’m good…wait. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. Do I hear a DOG across the street? Is it? I think…yes, it IS A DOG. And I want to GET IT!!! Hey dog…DOG!! Over here!! Yeah, YOU – look at me. LOOK AT ME!! BARKBARKBARK GrrrrrrrrrrrrrGROWL BARK SNARL GRRRRRRRRRRR…Hey dog! Fuck you, Other Dog Across The Street!!! Yeah, you heard me – FUCK YOU!!! I’m so TOUGH!! I wanna BITE and EAT and BITE you so much! Fucking fuck fuckity fuck fuck BARK BARK BARK GROWL. You SUCK, Other Dog. I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP!!! I HATE YOU AND YOUR OWNER AND I THINK YOU’RE STUPID AND FUCCCCKKKK YOOUUUUU!!!!!! Okay, I’m done barking now. Now I’m ready to whimper and whine. Wimper wimper whinewhinewhine. What? What? What’d I do? Why are you looking at me that way? Was I bad? But I’m cute now. Oh, okay…I guess we’re going home now. I hate home. It’s boring. I want to go to the dog park and chase and run and chase and run. RUN RUN RUN. Home sucks. You suck. I hate this day. Look how sad I am. And cute! Look how CUTE I am. I’m – oh, now hold up, HOLD UP LADY. Do you see what I see? Right up there? It’s a PIGEON. I HATE pigeons!!! I hate you pigeon…but I wanna GET you. I wanna POUNCE on you and GET you and hurt you. But to get you I have to be very, very, still. Shhhhh, Lady…I’m stalking the pigeon. Shhh…everyone, BE QUIET. Crouch…now I’m gonna crouch and walk slllloooowwwwwwllllly towards the pigeon. Lady…LADY! We have to get the pigeon…come with me! Quiet…quiet…aaaannnnndddd…POUNCE Get that pigeon. GET IT!! We’re almost there!!! Ha! HAHAHAHAAAA!!! I’ve got…no. NO!!!!!!!!! Fucking pigeon!!! Fucking pigeon with fucking wings!!! DAMN YOUUUUUU!!!!!!! Damn you and your goddam wings. I still wanna get you. So I will jump. JUMP JUMP JUUUMMMPPP!!!!!! Because I wanna get you SO BAD!!!!! No. No…I can’t get you. Not today. Sad. Now I am sad. And hungry. I want some breakfast, Lady!! Let’s go home so I can have some breakfast. And cheese!!! I want cheese!! Give me cheese!!! Home. HOMEHOMEHOME. We’re almost there. Oh, wait…what’s that smell – let me check it out. Mmmm…stinky. Okay, let’s go HOMEHOMEHOME for the FOOD! This is our house, right? This one? No? Next one? Yes! YESS!!!! This is ours! This is where I live!!! ME! I live here!!! I have a house!! I’m so happy I want to jumpJUMPJUMP on the door!! Let me in to my HOUSE!!! Run!! I want to run in FAST, so fastfastfast. But HEY! I’m still on my leash. Motherfucker. Take it off. TAKE IT OFF!!!!!! NOW!!!!!! Okay, finally, I can RUN in SUPERFAST and JUMP onto the couch and JUMP off and race in circles fastfastfast!!! SO FAST! I’m the greatest dog EVER!! The greatest dog that ever lived in the history of dogs, ever ever ever!! And the fastest!!! Whew…that was a lot of circles. Now I want food. FOOD!!! And a Greenie to chew on. NOW!! I want it NOW!!!!! You’re too slow, Lady. TOO SLOW!! I don’t care if my water is dirty, I want the GODDAM FOOD NOW!!!! MMMmmmmmmmmm…..scarfscarfscarf…mmmmmmm. Food. I like food. Wait…Lady? Where’d you go? Lady?? Are you in the Little Room Where I Get Hateful Baths? Scratch scratchscratch…are you in there? You are? Hmmm…Lady is in the Little Room Where I Get Those Hateful Baths. If Lady can’t see me right now…I know!!! Chew!!! Chew chew CHEWCHEW! I can chew everything!! She can’t see me! This is my chance!! I see a shoe – oh, fuck, it’s a big boot. Heavy. This boot is heavy. Must be fast. Drag drag drag it to the bed. Jump…ooof. Heavy boot. But yummy!! SO YUMMY!!! Chew chew chew on the boot!!! Now what? Gym shoes…I LOVE gym shoes!! I see a few of those. Quickly, quickly, get the shoes. Get ALL the shoes!! On the bed!! I love chewing shoes on the bed!! So happy…chewchewchew. What else? What else can I chew? Pillows!!! I FORGOT about the pllows!!! Chewing them makes me SO happy!! Chewchewchew. First I chew the quilt, then the sheets, THEN THE PILLOWS!!! And I pull out the stuffing!! Whee!!! CHEW CHEW GROWL CHEW GROWL!! I did it!! I killed the pillows!! KILLED THEM DEAD dead dead pillows are dead. HA!! Ha hahahahahaha you pillows. What next? More sheets. I like the Calvin Klein ones. Yum. Lady will be SO excited when she sees all the stuff I did while she was in the Little Room Where I Get Those Hateful Baths. I think she’s coming! She is!! Look…LOOK!!! Lady, look what I did!!! For you!!! Wagwagwag…aren’t you happy!! I did it all!! BY MYSELF!!! Wagwagwag. What? You’re not happy? But it was so MUCH FUN to chew it all. Chew chew chew is my favorite game EVER!!! It’s almost as fun as RUN and CHASE. Almost. But you’re mad? What if I lick your legs? I like the taste of your lotion. Mmmm…licklicklick. Don’t be mad. Licklicklick. Or I’ll shit on your rug. Licklicklick. Ha ha ha…no really, I will. I love to shit on the rug. I usually only do it on rainy days, but I LOVE TO SHIT ON YOUR RUG!!! I did it yesterday! Remember!! Because it was raining and I HATE the rain!! HATE IT!!! And I love shitting on the rug!! I’m so excited just thinking about it!! Excited!!! Wag wagwagwag!! Let’s play! I won’t shit if you play with me some more!! Throw the ball!! Throw it!! Again! AGAIN!!! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!! I LOVE THIS GAME!!! I LOVE IT. I will NEVER get tired of this game!! NEVER EVEREVER!! I love Throw The Ball!! AGAIN! Agai – wait. No more…okay. Okay. Now I’m tired. So tired. Must. Curl. Up. In. Tiny. Ball. Somewhere. I’m. Not. Supposed. To. Be. So tired. Tired. Getting sleepy…tired…walk walk walk around the apartment. One more bite of breakfast, then I will SLEEP on the couch and SNORE and dream about pigeons and Kongs with peanut butter inside. So tired…no more playing. Must sleep.

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